It’s raining outside,

Heavily.

And I’m sitting by the window,

Gazing outside,

Into a void,

Of nothingness.

I try, a lot,

To avoid,

Those thoughts that have been buried…

There was a time,

When the rain gave me ecstacy,

Leading me into a world of wild fantasies.

But now, it’s nothing such,

It’s just an impulse,

For me to become numb,

And retrospect in this humdrum.

I am sorry…

I know I was at fault.

However much I apologise,

It’s of no use.

There’s pain behind your indifference,

Hidden in anger’s disguise.

I didn’t want to hurt you,

(I know, it’s no use saying this now)

It wasn’t unintentional, no it wasn’t,

But it wasn’t something I would allow.

It was my immaturity.

Now I say, I know your pain,

But at that time, I didn’t…

You wanted an ear, to hear,

The deadly thoughts that you feared,

But I was deafened, by the screams of my own selfish world.

I know I speak a lot,

And you the innocent introvert,

Who seldom said a word,

About his own problems.

I wasn’t there, when you needed,

I wish, my heart’s advice, I had heeded.

I didn’t want to give you,

Long lectures.

But my nature (I hate it now)

Deprived you of those small gestures,

That I ought to have made.

Today, as I think,

I realise,

You weren’t wrong, in any way.

Whatever you said,

With your brutal honesty,

Were words of wisdom,

That I failed to understand.

Had I said those few compassionate words,

Something that you wanted to hear,

If I had been able to help you then,

Today, you would have been beside me, here.

But those are just,

Memories now,

Of unfulfilled wishes,

And broken vows.

I ruined your mental health,

I posed a threat

To your peace,

I wish my selfishness,

I had ceased.

I know this doesn’t matter now,

I know you don’t care,

But that’s something I earned for myself,

And it seems to be fair.

How do I apologise to you,

When I can’t forgive myself?

This guilt,

Will remain with me,

Always.

That I couldn’t help you,

When you needed it the most.

Yes, I did blunders,

That ruined everything, almost…

There might be days when I’m smiling,

There might be days, when the tears are gone,

But the scars of my sins,

Will never leave me alone.

Yes, I wish you were here,

But I know, I lost the right,

To be with you.

I have no right to call you back,

Nor any hope of your return.

But I am ready to face,

The punishments for these committed sins,

Because that’s the only way to repent,

And to overcome this guilt, a bit.

The last day,

You said, you were at peace,

And that you were happy now.

I am grateful and I am happy for you,

It helped me to get a little peace somehow.

I hate my selfish self,

I question my existence

But I’ll have to live with this guilt,

That’s my punishment.

Things can’t be undone,

Past can’t be changed,

And a “sorry” can’t make things right,

These are lessons I’ve learnt.

Hence, I pray for your happiness,

And stay away from you,

For your betterment.

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Β©Tisha and The Brainy Essays (2020)

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

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36 thoughts on “Confession

  1. In a world consumed by material success you have delved into the abyss of personal sins. A place inhabited by all of us; who here amongst us is free of causing pain to the ones we love? Taking ownership frees us up to try and be a better man or gal but ultimately the void will not go away as it follows us to keep us abreast of the mistakes we made. The lines of your poetry put me in a bit of misery for my marriage is described within, if only I could have a redo; surely I would thank you πŸ™!πŸ€ŽπŸ”

    Liked by 6 people

  2. Reading poems like yours makes me discover new trends and new forms of expression.
    The mixed feelings are always accompanying us .. It only depends on our inetrior to put its true value.
    Very well your poetry. I enjoy it and I like your style.
    Manuel

    Liked by 5 people

  3. perfectly captured more than often we tend to ignore other one’s need but with time we understand that we could have been better.
    Also the main thing, it’s relatable, I used to be happy when it used to rain and now I just sit and overthink

    Liked by 6 people

  4. Ohh! It was so heartfelt, Tisha.
    The way you started with describing the rain, made the confession and concluded it was so nice. It was as if you had kept your open heart in this piece of art.

    Yes. We sometimes miss the chances that are given to us, to be with someone. We don’t even realize what we are letting go of unless we lose it. It is great that you have felt it. Better late than never. The guilt will be there but maybe it will become easier to bear once you have that introspection.
    I remember the comment that you made at my post in Hindi. And now I can feel that it is something deep rooted in you already. But everything teaches us something,haina. And I am sure that you too had learned a lesson from this incident.
    This poem speaks a lot about you too. Your sincerity, acceptance towards things, and ofc the honesty you posses within!!

    Liked by 6 people

    1. And I actually felt higher after reading this.πŸ˜‚πŸ˜
      It needs one to know one.πŸ˜‰πŸ‘»
      It was a pleasure to be at yr place, Tisha.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Tisha, this is a very beautiful, well-written poem that perfectly expresses feelings most of us can relate to. I admire it very much. I especially like the imagery of the rain.

    At nearly 71, I would like to share my perspective. When we are very young, it is sometimes hard to understand what the other person feels and needs. We are “guilty” of being young! Probably the man in the relationship did not fully understand the woman and her needs. Maybe he was also “guilty” of being young and inexperienced. In time, we grow in understanding. Then we forgive ourselves and others and can enjoy memories of what was happy and good about the relationship. All the best! Cheryl

    Liked by 4 people

  6. This is so wonderful and took me down memory lane. It reminded me of my ex saying sorry to me for his selfishness and infidelity and being an ambivert I never really shared much, he wasn’t there when I needed him the most. But I don’t really have any hard feelings for him even though he has lost my trust.
    I guess sometimes apologies just aren’t enough. And somethings just can’t be undone. 🌸🌸

    Liked by 3 people

  7. I was in acute depression for three months so a definite yes, it felt like aeons of pain and trauma but since I loved him dearly, I did forgive him but I just cannot forget it.
    Very true, sometimes it’s just too late.
    Thanks for sharing such beautiful posts. 🌼🌼

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I am mostly healed.
      Just that infidelity is hard to forgive. The worst part was he used to behave like I didn’t know anything. That’s what made me even more indifferent towards him. 🌼

      Like

  8. This is very beautiful & different form of writing, experience of life through words while reading.
    Beautiful read!πŸ“πŸ‘ŒπŸ™Œ

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Ma’am! It’s said we form opinions based on our own characteristics, I’m glad that you liked it, but this speaks a lot about your optimistic nature as well. Thank you for sharing your views. πŸ™πŸ™‚

      Like

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