Confession

It’s raining outside,

Heavily.

And I’m sitting by the window,

Gazing outside,

Into a void,

Of nothingness.

I try, a lot,

To avoid,

Those thoughts that have been buried…

There was a time,

When the rain gave me ecstacy,

Leading me into a world of wild fantasies.

But now, it’s nothing such,

It’s just an impulse,

For me to become numb,

And retrospect in this humdrum.

I am sorry…

I know I was at fault.

However much I apologise,

It’s of no use.

There’s pain behind your indifference,

Hidden in anger’s disguise.

I didn’t want to hurt you,

(I know, it’s no use saying this now)

It wasn’t unintentional, no it wasn’t,

But it wasn’t something I would allow.

It was my immaturity.

Now I say, I know your pain,

But at that time, I didn’t…

You wanted an ear, to hear,

The deadly thoughts that you feared,

But I was deafened, by the screams of my own selfish world.

I know I speak a lot,

And you the innocent introvert,

Who seldom said a word,

About his own problems.

I wasn’t there, when you needed,

I wish, my heart’s advice, I had heeded.

I didn’t want to give you,

Long lectures.

But my nature (I hate it now)

Deprived you of those small gestures,

That I ought to have made.

Today, as I think,

I realise,

You weren’t wrong, in any way.

Whatever you said,

With your brutal honesty,

Were words of wisdom,

That I failed to understand.

Had I said those few compassionate words,

Something that you wanted to hear,

If I had been able to help you then,

Today, you would have been beside me, here.

But those are just,

Memories now,

Of unfulfilled wishes,

And broken vows.

I ruined your mental health,

I posed a threat

To your peace,

I wish my selfishness,

I had ceased.

I know this doesn’t matter now,

I know you don’t care,

But that’s something I earned for myself,

And it seems to be fair.

How do I apologise to you,

When I can’t forgive myself?

This guilt,

Will remain with me,

Always.

That I couldn’t help you,

When you needed it the most.

Yes, I did blunders,

That ruined everything, almost…

There might be days when I’m smiling,

There might be days, when the tears are gone,

But the scars of my sins,

Will never leave me alone.

Yes, I wish you were here,

But I know, I lost the right,

To be with you.

I have no right to call you back,

Nor any hope of your return.

But I am ready to face,

The punishments for these committed sins,

Because that’s the only way to repent,

And to overcome this guilt, a bit.

The last day,

You said, you were at peace,

And that you were happy now.

I am grateful and I am happy for you,

It helped me to get a little peace somehow.

I hate my selfish self,

I question my existence

But I’ll have to live with this guilt,

That’s my punishment.

Things can’t be undone,

Past can’t be changed,

And a “sorry” can’t make things right,

These are lessons I’ve learnt.

Hence, I pray for your happiness,

And stay away from you,

For your betterment.

©Tisha and The Brainy Essays (2020)

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

All Rights Reserved.